We don't usually keep our car in the city because we can't afford a garage and we don't use it enough that it makes sense to fight the alternate side parking. Alternate side of the street parking is painful to the average person but with a baby trying to move a car into a new spot without a meltdown is like trying to run through a casino without breathing in smoke. But the last few weeks we have been using it on a regular basis and have not had a chance to return it to my father's home in Connecticut where it lives rent free when not in use.
Usually, when we are unable to move the car to the 'right side of the street' the night before, my husband will take the car to a garage in the morning for the early bird special. If you are in before ten and out by six you have to fork over a mere fourteen dollars, a veritable bargain in Manhattan. But yesterday, I thought to myself, why waste money on a garage when I am in fact free all day. And, why not take advantage of the car in the city and drive over to my chiropractor on the Upper West Side, get a much needed adjustment, drive back, slip into a spot, and move on with my day? It sounded like a plan. Well, as you know even the best laid plans.. .. and this one did not come close to making the top ten list.
It started off remarkably, Owen was a delight in the car, there was virtually no traffic, and I found a spot outside of my chiropractor's office. I was adjusted and even took time to sit in the massage chair as I nursed Owen who seemed to appreciate the second hand vibration aside from a brief choking moment as he tried to swallow as the rollers moved under my chest. Apparently I was the first ever to breast feed in their massage chair which pleased me. Next, we got back in the car, zipped home (what again, no traffic?) and arrived back at my street with a happily sleeping baby. Perfect! So even if it took me thirty minutes to find a spot, Owen could have a nap. In fact, it might be ideal if it took me a while. What a perfect chance to practice looking at a bad thing in a good light. An chiropractic adjustment and a chance to improve my spiritual awareness all in one day. What a bonanza of blessings life can bring when you open to the universe!
And then I started to notice that many of the streets around my house were blocked off with huge blue signs stating, "NO PARKING THURSDAY - NYPD!" From somewhere in the back of my sleep deprived mind, I remembered hearing that Obama was coming to the city today and people should avoid driving. Could that be why so many blocks were closed? I never thought he would be coming to the West Village. Rumor has it that there are some folks around here who are pretty pissed about DOMA among other failed campaign promises so I thought he might stick to the Upper East Side.
Either way, this was not good news. I drove around for about fifteen minutes and saw nothing, not even one of those 'this could have been a spot if those a-holes had parked better spot.' And then I turned on to my block and saw A SPOT! "Hurrah", I whispered to myself because Owen was still sleeping. Parking Karma is in effect. And then I saw a man standing in the spot. Damn - a spot saver! I thought briefly about pretending I did not see him and running him over but he was about 6' 2" and was making direct eye contact with me. I rolled down my window and asked if I could park and he said, no, his friend down the block in front of the hydrant was backing up. I fluttered my eyes and said, "Oh, I was hoping to park before my little baby woke up and starts to scream." He did not bite. "I've been driving around for about thirty minutes and when he wakes up, I'm dead." He did not bite. I sighed and pulled out.
I drove for another twenty minutes in an ever-widening journey around the neighborhood. And then - Owen woke up.
Some babies wake up from naps happy and smiling, well rested and ready to play. Owen wakes up like he is being dragged out of the womb again with electrical forceps. I tried to reassure him from the front seat that I was doing my best to find a spot but he didn't seem to believe me. I drove around for another ten minutes as his screams intensified. I drove down my block a few times and watched the man who took my spot move from sitting in his car, to sitting on a stoop near his car, to eating a donut while sitting on a stoop near his car. For some reason this infuriated me. Finally, desperate, I pull over in front of the hydrant to take Owen out for a bit. When I free him from the car, he sobs and gasps and he calms himself down, draping his arms around my neck and sighing. It's like he took a course from a Jewish mother. I know this is just an exercise in torture because we can't stay like this. Eventually I will have to put him back in the car and by eventually I mean in the next five minutes. I am supposed to meet a contractor in my apartment at that time and I can see that he is already standing across the street. Luckily he has two kids of his own and is more than sympathetic. I put Owen back in, drive past my building and offer him my keys. He sees Owen screaming and says he will stop by after his other meeting. Thank you. Thank you.
I drive around again and after a few more futile minutes I notice a man sitting in his car. I roll my window down to ask him if he's leaving. He says no. I sigh and say, "Can I pay you to leave?" He laughs. I pull a twenty out of my pocket and say, "No, I'm serious." He doesn't even bat an eye. I do realize at this point that I was willing to pay more for a street spot than I would have for the original garage but I am desperate. Also, I only had a dollar aside from the twenty and even my desperately cheapskate self can tell you you can't bribe anyone with a dollar anymore.
At this point, I decide I have no choice but to park in a metered spot. This will of course just mean that I have to feed it every hour on the hour, or long enough to get back in the car and start this whole process over again but I am out of options. I am done, Owen is done, and I still have this meeting to get to. So, I pull around the block again and MIRACULOUSLY there is a spot, right behind the spot that that man stole from me over an hour ago. I pull in faster than the winner of the Indy 500 and have Owen out of the car in under two minutes.
He is still screaming. As, I rock him in my arms, the man who originally held the spot for his friend walks by. He sees me and stops. He is clearly finishing up a workout (yes it was really that long.)
"Did you just park?" he asks. "Did it take you that whole time." I want to ask him if he really can't tell from the haggard look on my face and Owen's screams but I just say, "Yes. It really took me that long."
"I felt bad after you left," he says. " I was saving it for that guy who works for me and after you drove away I thought maybe I should have given it to you." I want to point out that as far as I can tell that guy who works for him has had two cigarettes, finished a pot of coffee, eaten a donut and a sandwich but has yet to actually work but I restrain myself. I also want to point out that he was supposed to feel bad for me, but before I left but who knows, he might come in handy another day.
So, what I would like tell the City of New York is that if the city can suspend Alternate Side of the Street Parking for the feast of Saint Catherine of Yonkers then they really should suspend it when they close down twenty blocks so Obama can eat dinner at the Waverly Inn at a $72,000 a head dinner.
We did try to go see Obama later that evening. I don't actually hold him personally responsible and think it would have been great to see him in person. Also, I was hoping Owen might get a hug or a photo op. Secretly, I was hoping that in said photo-op Owen might poo on Obama. It's not because I don't like him. I voted for him and will do so again because despite a few failed campaign promises, he's doing a pretty good job, and well being President is probably almost as hard as being a stay at home mom. But it really would be a great party line for Owen to be able to say that when he was a baby he pooed on the President. Probably only Sasha and Malia can say that and well, he wasn't the President when they were babies. Sad to say, we didn't even get close. And we were all asleep before they opened up the streets and we could move the car to a new spot.
So this morning, we put the car in the garage.
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